DRIVING IN THE CANARIES
An exclusive and light hearted insight into 21st century driving techniques now commonly in use in the Canary Islands. Road Hazards.

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Canaries it’s probably the road. There are two techniques for coping with this. One is to drive very fast so your wheels get on top of the ruts and your car sails over the ditches and gullies. Predictably, this will result in disaster. No matter how slowly you drive into a ten foot hole, you’re still going to get hurt. You’ll find the locals themselves can’t make up their minds. Either they drive at two m.p.h. - which they do frequently and there is absolutely no way to get around them. Or they drive at 100 m.p.h. - which they do coming right at you when you finally get a chance to pass the guy doing two m.p.h. Basic information it’s important to have your facts straight before you begin piloting a car around any of the islands. For instance, which side of the road do they drive on? This is easy. They drive on your side. That is, you can depend on it, any oncoming traffic will be on your side of the road. Also, how do you translate kilometres into miles? Most people don’t know this but one kilometre is 0.1 miles, exactly. True, a kilometre is only 62 per cent of a mile but if something is fifty kilometres away, read that as 500 kilometres because the roads are 620 per cent worse than anything you have ever seen. And when you see a 50 k.p.h. speed limit, you might as well figure that means 500 k.p.h. because nobody cares. The Islands do not have Broderick Crawford and the Highway Patrol. Outside the main areas, there are no police at all. Law enforcement is in the hands of the Nationals, who will shoot you no matter what speed you’re doing. Traffic signs and signals Most developing nations use international traffic symbols. Americans may find themselves perplexed by road signs that look like Boy Scout merit badges and by such things as an iguana silhouette with a red diagonal bar across it. Don’t worry, the natives don’t know what they mean, either. The natives do, however, have an elaborate set of signals used to convey information to the traffic around them. For example, if you’re trying to pass someone and he blinks his left turn signal, it means go ahead. Either that or it means a large truck is coming around the bend and you'll get killed if you try. You'll find out in a moment. Dangerous curves Dangerous curves are marked by white wooden crosses positioned to make the curves even more dangerous. These crosses are memorials to people who’ve died in traffic accidents and they give a rough statistical indication of how much trouble you’re likely to have at that spot in the road. Thus, when you come through a curve in a full power slide and are suddenly confronted with a veritable forest of crucifixes, you know you’re about to take flying lessons! Accidents Never look where you’re going - you’ll only scare yourself. Nonetheless, try to avoid collisions. There are bound to be more people in that bus, truck or even on that moped than there are in your car. At best you’ll be screamed deaf. And if the police do happen to be around, standard procedure is to throw everyone in jail regardless of fault. This is done to forestall blood feuds, which are a popular hobby. If you do have an accident, the best thing to do is go on the offensive. Throw big wads of money at everyone and hope for the best. See you in the Cardiac Arrest Unit!

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